It has been three years since I first met you. I still find it weird whenever I say this because even after three years, I realise I don’t really know you. If people were to ask me about my lover, I don’t think I can get pass describing your long hair, tattoos and occupation. To be fair, I don’t think you can describe anymore than I can for you. You don’t even know my occupation and you don’t know what I love to do. I just realise you never ask anything about my daily life. I guess, it doesn’t matter to you. When we are together, you just want to talk about you, you and you. Sure, your stories are interesting but I would appreciate some attention on my side. I’m not a pet dog to keep by your side.
But perhaps, you are over zealous when we meet. You know we don’t meet very often, just once a year, like the characters in a fairytale of the Chinese: the cowherd and weaving girl. Do you want to hear more about the story? I know you don’t want to, you are never really quite keen about my culture are you? Except for your interest in the Chinese tea, you don’t really know anything Chinese.
Our cultures are world apart and so are our viewpoints on a relationship. Because you are my first lover (even when I have dated different guys in between), I would dedicate my life to you if you were to do the same. But what I learn that day is appalling, that you couldn’t exactly tell me the number of girls you have at the current moment. And yes, I do know that you would have other girls, given your criteria and the state of our relationship but I am not expecting so many. You tell me that you didn’t want to commit because you are hurt deeply by the death of your wife. I’m very sorry for your wife and I could understand why you choose to live life the way you are now.
You are always traveling in between countries for your work and you think it is unfair to let a girl wait for you for months. Or rather, let’s face the truth, that you think it is unfair for you to wait for months. When you ask me whether I think I could wait for six to eight months for you, I want to tell you badly that it has been three years, what matter is a few months? But then, me in my dreaded teary face did not want to hear anything from you anymore. My heart has just been shredded by your indifference, like this is just the way thing is and you won’t do anything to change it. It is nothing more than a fantasy love story on my part. And for you, I’m nothing but just someone conveniently passing by that you could reel in.
You show me that I don’t mean anything to you, even when you try to convince me otherwise. I have been trying to break off this relationship since two years ago and you know I like you too much to stand by my resolution if you say you still want me. And you play this to your advantage, despite the fact that you have other girls around you. You tell me that you think it is a pity and that you want everything to continue. You don’t think about the impact of your words and you have me thinking that you truly care about me.
Maybe you did, as with all other girls that you have. You just happen to have a big heart full of love to dedicate enough for every other girls. But I’m done with your so called care, I’m done with missing you and I’m done with waiting for months for your reply. I don’t want you anymore, even if you were to say you change and that you want to settle down with me. I know this would just be lies and you would never say that, you love your current life too much. A girl in each continent, this kind of lifestyle suits you well, doesn’t it? I’m too blindly in love to see that I’m just one of your statistics. I just can’t see the fact that you’re keeping me by your side and slotting me into a convenient time slot to meet you. I bet you have a mental calendar of girls to meet and you are keeping track of it well.
I don’t want a lover like you anymore. I don’t want to pin my heart on someone who doesn’t take me seriously. Stop sending my emails saying that you miss me when you are hugging somebody else. It doesn’t work anymore. I’m not getting any younger by the year. I am not wasting any more of my youth on you. I don’t hate you, we have spend some good moments together and you show me that dreams are worth pursuing. In fact, I’m really glad to meet you, you change my life for the better. You are just not a faithful lover, the kind I’m looking for, and I am done with being tangle up in a mess with you.
I wish you happiness. But I don’t think that is necessary as you have already found in each and every girl. One less girl doesn’t add to your agony anyway. For all the pain that you have given me through the years, I could only hope for the day that they would make me wiser and guide me to the right man, someone who truly care, someone unlike you.