Have you ever feel like the internet overwhelms you? Have you ever feel like you just need to stop doing whatever you profess to love and let your life pans out freely? I did. And this is what happen, a long hiatus from blogging. And this isn’t new.
I use to run 2 websites. Initially I keep a frequent update schedule, until I couldn’t cope with all the extra load in my life anymore. Then I decide to take a break and leave the site as it is. After a short while, I return to work on the site. At the end, I would reach a point where I would leave the website because real life takes over.
I’m the kind of person that believes I have to try things to know if I like it or not. So there you go, I try diving, chinese painting, laughing yoga, guitar playing, photography, inline-skating, sky-diving, backpacking, cycling, jogging, learning a new language. Some of them I’m still doing it, but most that are listed over here, I have to drop them. Because there are only so much time that one could use in the world. Over the years, I learn to differentiate things I feel curious about from things I really have a passion for.
Sometimes I lose my way. Alright, I’m still not figuring out my direction yet. My life is still a big mystery to me.
I have thought that I always knew what I wanted. But life keeps changing. Today, I realise that I have forgotten about what I set my mind to. I have forgotten about the fact that I want the world to hear the helpless and voiceless.
I have been diminished to a miserable lady who could only complain about the misgivings and misdeeds of the world: greedy corporations, poverty, income inequality, animal abuse, factory farming, monoculture, global warming, overfishing, increase landfill. They make me a prison of my mind whenever they pop up. Reality scorns at me, telling me that I’m just a hypocritical person who preaches and never progress with my practices.
I am constantly flirting with guilt.
I feel guilty that I’m not working towards reducing waste. I feel guilty because I get frustrated talking to my parents. (Somehow people closest to me makes me on my nerves most) I feel guilty that I’m indulging when people are living in broken lives. Even if it’s just ten percent of my meagre pay, I could help a lot of people in the third world countries, but I’m not doing it. I could stand to my defense that I really have no savings (this is true) and I spend all my money planning for the next course to take. There are just too many things that I could list out that would be beneficial to my life: permaculture, tribal fusion belly dance, the next yoga retreat, a writer’s course.
But I am only human, too human in fact.
I’m just a girl who wallow in my own form of depression when a guy decides to ditch me, or to treat me like trash. I’m just someone who wants to indulge in the dandy sweet treats. I’m just a person who seeks comfort in life.
I want to do what I love, I want to follow my dreams, I want to dance, to do yoga, to cook and serve delicious vegan food, I want to own a farm and start my natural farming experiment.
I decide that I’m not going to feel bad about myself and go about beating myself for not doing enough.
I feel grateful for my life, for all the gifts and for the ability to rise with the sun. Today, just for today.
You know, life is not a race to be competed with others, it is more of a walking your own path as you are. But I feel I’m back on track, at least for the moment. My life has taken a new turn, or rather a clearer path. At the risk of sounding egoistic, I want to contribute to the society and the environment. I say it even though I do not know how I’m going to do it and what I’m going to do. I’m leaving my choice open and hoping I could receive my answers in due time.
Till then, I continue with my simple life towards sustainability. My life is not about finding out my life purpose anymore. How long would I have to wait before I could get our answers? And how would I know if the answers are right?
Life is really about loving and caring, and that is what keeps me right on the path that reveals itself a little more with each day worth living.