Just Another Post About Life Purpose. Or Is It?

Photo edited, originally from Zeraphim

Photo edited, originally from Zeraphim

Have you ever feel like the internet overwhelms you? Have you ever feel like you just need to stop doing whatever you profess to love and let your life pans out freely? I did. And this is what happen, a long hiatus from blogging. And this isn’t new.

I use to run 2 websites. Initially I keep a frequent update schedule, until I couldn’t cope with all the extra load in my life anymore. Then I decide to take a break and leave the site as it is. After a short while, I return to work on the site. At the end, I would reach a point where I would leave the website because real life takes over.

I’m the kind of person that believes I have to try things to know if I like it or not. So there you go, I try diving, chinese painting, laughing yoga, guitar playing, photography, inline-skating, sky-diving, backpacking, cycling, jogging, learning a new language. Some of them I’m still doing it, but most that are listed over here, I have to drop them. Because there are only so much time that one could use in the world. Over the years, I learn to differentiate things I feel curious about from things I really have a passion for.

Sometimes I lose my way. Alright, I’m still not figuring out my direction yet. My life is still a big mystery to me.

I have thought that I always knew what I wanted. But life keeps changing. Today, I realise that I have forgotten about what I set my mind to. I have forgotten about the fact that I want the world to hear the helpless and voiceless.

I have been diminished to a miserable lady who could only complain about the misgivings and misdeeds of the world: greedy corporations, poverty, income inequality, animal abuse, factory farming, monoculture, global warming, overfishing, increase landfill. They make me a prison of my mind whenever they pop up. Reality scorns at me, telling me that I’m just a hypocritical person who preaches and never progress with my practices.

I am constantly flirting with guilt.

I feel guilty that I’m not working towards reducing waste. I feel guilty because I get frustrated talking to my parents. (Somehow people closest to me makes me on my nerves most) I feel guilty that I’m indulging when people are living in broken lives. Even if it’s just ten percent of my meagre pay, I could help a lot of people in the third world countries, but I’m not doing it. I could stand to my defense that I really have no savings (this is true) and I spend all my money planning for the next course to take. There are just too many things that I could list out that would be beneficial to my life: permaculture, tribal fusion belly dance, the next yoga retreat, a writer’s course.

But I am only human, too human in fact.

I’m just a girl who wallow in my own form of depression when a guy decides to ditch me, or to treat me like trash. I’m just someone who wants to indulge in the dandy sweet treats. I’m just a person who seeks comfort in life.

I want to do what I love, I want to follow my dreams, I want to dance, to do yoga, to cook and serve delicious vegan food, I want to own a farm and start my natural farming experiment.

I decide that I’m not going to feel bad about myself and go about beating myself for not doing enough.

I feel grateful for my life, for all the gifts and for the ability to rise with the sun. Today, just for today.

You know, life is not a race to be competed with others, it is more of a walking your own path as you are. But I feel I’m back on track, at least for the moment. My life has taken a new turn, or rather a clearer path. At the risk of sounding egoistic, I want to contribute to the society and the environment. I say it even though I do not know how I’m going to do it and what I’m going to do. I’m leaving my choice open and hoping I could receive my answers in due time.

Till then, I continue with my simple life towards sustainability. My life is not about finding out my life purpose anymore. How long would I have to wait before I could get our answers? And how would I know if the answers are right?

Life is really about loving and caring, and that is what keeps me right on the path that reveals itself a little more with each day worth living.


2 thoughts on “Just Another Post About Life Purpose. Or Is It?

  1. I love this post. So much here that I could relate to.
    I used to live in the guilt paradigm a lot. But really, who’s to say what is meaningful in life?
    It hurt me so much that there was so much suffering going on in the world. I really wanted to do something about it all. Many, like the things you listed in your post.
    There are people who’s work visibly involves doing things about the huge issues stated. I have great respect for their work. But what could I do? I used to beat myself up for wanting to do things that didn’t seem directly connected to making the world a better place. Judging and abusing myself seemed okay because it was targeted at me, not anybody else. But no matter who it is targeted against, that spiteful feeling inside me is in essence the same emotion that causes visible hurt in the world when targeted at others.
    Now I think if there is anything I can do in the world, I can only be myself. And be at peace with just being me. And if I live that way each day, doing what I can, one day I may find what I do in life visibly acting against the huge issues today. Who knows what that work will be?

    Sorry for the long comment, I was so happy to read this post as I could relate to so much of it.
    I love your blog by the way, Good luck with everything 🙂

    • Hello purehozho1, don’t worry about leaving long comments on my blog, I love to hear from people 😀 I think one thing my ex-boss have to tolerate is that sometimes I would put my work aside to make long conversation with customers. It is really fun and I get to learn new things on the way. I believe so long as we have the right intentions in our actions, as long as we don’t harm unnecessarily, we are on the right way. Then again I could be wrong XP I’m also just practicing being at peace with myself, and maybe one day, who knows what will come. Even if I achieve nothing great, I would still be great to say that in my lifetime, I have loved myself and lived to be who I am (haha, I’m really proud to say that because I think that nowadays not too many people could say that with dignity and faith! not in my country anyway. hahah.) But really, what do I know? Oh well, maybe we are all just lost sheeps. but still, I’m going to have fun while I can. Thank you for your comment 😀

      All the best to you 😀

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