I know you have doubts in me and make passing remarks on my life. I wish to hide my intentions no further, I want to thank you and tell you that I love you. I know I don’t present myself as the most reliable person in the world and no amount of smiles could assure you of the credibility of my life. I know you look at me in disdain and of pity, but I know that beneath, you also look to me as a person who is living the life you secretly yearn.
I wish I could tell more but I never once wish to present my struggles to others. Call it pride, call it ego, but I don’t think other deserve to see me breaking into tears and be lost at such situations. There are times when I cried publicly and nobody knows what to do. I know better now that it is better for me to remain as my own strongest pillar of support. There are times when I look back into my life, and am both amazed and discouraged by it. So I learn that all will be well if I focus on the present, to do what I could to live this moment to the best.
But today, I want to tell you the truth, I want to tell you a little more about what I feel. I feel that sometimes, the whole world is against me, even though we know this is not true and it is just an overly active imagination on my part. The whole world doesn’t really care about who I am though people do make it a big deal about my life whenever they are with me. I know I am broke and living off my parents and haven’t quite manage to excel in life. I know I am an underachiever to you but what about happiness and health? Since when has it been wrong to put them as priorities?
When you are against me, I pray that one day that you will make peace with the discomfort that I have caused you. I try very hard to remain unsettled by your comments. I know words are usually coloured by perceptions and experiences and don’t necessary apply. But do you know how hard it is, having to pull through years and years of negativity thrust at me? But you and others are not me and you don’t understand, you don’t need to understand. Yes, there are too many times that I am confused and lost and wish to look for guidance, but who could I turn to if nobody understand? Through the years, I learn that at least, I could still be honest to myself. If I’m strong enough, I could shine my own light and stand well. Courage is not a lack of fear, it is the ability to face and withstand all that come despite the uncertainties.
You are not alone in your thoughts, I know of many people who think that I am too frivolous or too young or too reckless or too stupid. But, I still love you all, love with every possibilities. I love you because I do not wish to think about hating people. I love you even though sometimes I am tired and wish to cry and wish that everything could change overnight. Still, I won’t change my goals in life, I have to remain centered because I need me more than anybody needs me. I, at this instance, have only me. If people do not understand my struggle, it is okay. I know how easy it is to slip into the tendency of judging. When people tell me that they have a miserable life, that they have to work in a demanding job and then turn to external and superficial items to satisfy their soul longing of love, I use to judge them and I forget they are having struggles of their own kind. When I am younger, I would point out that they have a choice and they choose this path. But now, I understand that sometimes, we really don’t have a choice. Sometimes, we have parents too old, kids too young, houses too expensive and bills too high. Sometimes, even if they live simply, they still couldn’t make ends meet. Because this is how our society has become.
I have my own struggle just as others have theirs. It’s lonely when nobody understand, so I learn to accept that others have to deal with their struggles in their unique ways. Sometimes, I still feel sad when people work so hard at a job they hate just to end up spending their money on branded goods or sport cars or another new IT gadget. They don’t understand their struggles, they don’t listen to the depth of their souls. At the end of the day, we are all human, wishing to connect with another beautiful soul, be it Earth, another human, animals, art form or anything else. We just want to dance in peace throughout this lifetime but it seems so ever elusive nowadays and so, we struggle.
If ever I am given a minute to speak to the whole world, I would pray that we could all learn to listen deeply to our heart’s content, hug our darkest self and let the true light being shine. We could learn to love, all the blotches and glitches of us. Love, even the naysayers who are really shouting envious because you are living the life they once dream of. Be grateful if you are given the chance to pursue your dream, because it is true that not everyone has the freedom to do so. Dreams are not meant for everyone, dreams are not for people with responsibilities of others’ well-being. A calling is never so strong that it becomes valid to abandon your spouse and kids against their will. Maybe dreams are far-fetched to some, but we could all learn to be contented.
Contentment and a passion of living is a choice for everyone. Make art, be creative, dance, sing, play with the kids, kiss the dog, shout I love you and really mean it, organize a picnic with the whole family, and really, really look into somebody’s eye and be present. Be yourself, maybe it involves baring your heart and breaking down in front of your loved ones. But it is alright to be you. Speak what is on your mind even if you are unconvinced but be open to suggestions. Maybe you will be shown a path to live.
But most importantly, love, love unconditionally. Be it compassion, generosity, devotion, faith, tenderness, goodwill or gratitude, love with all your heart without expectations. It might sound crazy, but you would quickly see how free life becomes when you love like this. Love all of this, street lights, rain, sun, moon, stars, dogs, pigs, kids, neighbours, pigeons, plants, mountains, food, blue eyes, dark skin, brown eyes, Asians, Africans, Caucasian. Love, be in love with your everyday life. Love so much that it shines every movement.
I’m telling you all this because I love you. I love all my naysayers, critics and skeptics. I now know how I wish to live with others. We all have struggles of our own, sometimes, it becomes too easy to dismiss others. I don’t want to be another person who judges because I would never understand the totality of the struggle of another. At the end, we are all in this together, so why shouldn’t we choose peace?
May you love, love so hard that you have no regrets in life,